for Dorian (makingmyway)

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

(( in their soul-bonded AU, early on ))


[Life has been brighter in so many ways since that moment that he and Dorian connected, when the bond that each of them had been trying to hide was suddenly allowed to see the light, to connect with its other half. Orym is happy. Despite everything that is going on, despite the dangers and the risks, things are good. He wants nothing more than to be with the bard, to make him happy.

And the bond that was denied and suppressed for as long as it was, well, that has certainly given both of them motivation to make the most of their time.

So it's probably no surprise that the two of them have excused themselves from dinner early to retire to their room for the evening. And that Orym is currently planted in Dorian's lap -- quickly becoming one of his favorite places -- hands curled in the front of Dorian's shirt, holding the other man close as he does his best to kiss him breathless.]

Comments

[makingmyway]

[ Dorian can’t help hesitating a bit then. Because the rational part of him knows that Orym would never think like that. He knows Orym would never consider himself a replacement or compare them. Orym isn’t like that.

But as always, Orym has gotten right to the heart of the matter, of the fears that he keeps to himself. Because while Orym would never compare them, it doesn’t help that Dorian already does that himself. It’s just been how he’s always lived, being compared to another and falling short every time. To always be trapped in someone else’s shadow, to not be as good as the one who came before him.

Secondsun Second place, second best. That’s just how it’s always been.

Especially because it’s not lost on him, that they wouldn’t even be here, be like this right now…if Will was still alive.

But these are his own troubled thoughts, and Orym already looks upset enough as it is. So he kisses Orym again, one hand soothing down the halfling’s chest. ]

I know, Orym. I know it was an accident. He was your first love, your first bonded, and this [ He settles his hand over Orym heart. ] is still pretty new. It’s understandable that things might get a bit confusing.

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

I'm not confused.

[He begins quietly. It tears at something in him, knowing he's done something that could plant even the smallest seed of doubt with Dorian.]

Will was my first love, my first bond... I'll always love him, always miss him. [Always feel that guilt for having been the one to survive and not been able to do anything.]

This is new, but... Will was my past. But this, you are my now and my future. My forever. [He sets a hand atop of Dorian's at his chest, fingers curling tightly.] I'm not the same person I was back then. So much has changed, and I... I don't think I'd have made it this far without you. Even before I knew there was a bond forming between us, you'd already saved me, reminded me how to smile again. I just.. I want to be worthy of this, Dorian. Of you. And this is a shitty start.

[makingmyway]

[ Dorian is quiet a moment as he listens, taking a few shaky breaths. Then he rests a hand over Orym’s, pressing it against his chest. ]

Of course, Orym. I’d never ask you to forget what you had with Will. It’s part of what makes you who you are, part of…of what I love so much about you.

And there’s no need for you to be “worthy” of anything. Nothing you do could change how I feel about you. [ Biting his lip, he glances off to the size. ] I…the truth is, I’ve never felt good enough for you. All I want is for you to be happy, and if I can do that for you, then I’m glad. But I…I hate that you had to lose someone first for this to even happen.

[ Like his very existence was somehow what led to Will’s death in the first place. ]

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[Orym tries to let those words ease some of the anxiety in him, and it does at least a little bit. The bond is new -- and oh it's strong, he knows it's strong -- but he also knows he nearly blew it to begin with, keeping it secret and holding back as long as he had.

But Dorian continues and Orym feels that pang in his chest once more. Part of him knows this, has seen the way Dorian wrestles with his self worth.]

I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You're everything I've ever wanted, Dorian. You're not perfect, but perfect is cold and untouchable anyway. I love you for everything you are and everything you aren't.

[He moves to wind his arms around Dorian now, shifting closer.] However it happened... my world shattered. But you've given me a new one.

[makingmyway]

[ He draws another breath as Orym moves closer, but he still isn’t able to meet his gaze. Still, he rests his forehead against the halfling’s and closes his eyes instead.

The assurance does ease some of the tightness in his chest, but the coil of anxiety is still wound, unable to stop thinking of how Orym should still have everything he used to, that happy life that he deserves with his husband.

Because Dorian is a poor alternative.

Even so, if he’s able to bring even a bit of light to Orym’s life, that should be good enough. ]

I’m glad…I’m glad I can give you that.

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[Orym lets his eyes fall shut too, taking a breath.]

That and more. I love you, Dorian.

[With no hesitations or reservations, no conditions.] Everything that's happened, somehow I still managed to find my way to you.

[To find his way home, where he belongs.]

But I want to give you that too. I want to give you everything, to make you happy.

[makingmyway]

[ Despite everything, Dorian can’t help a smile as his heart flutters in his chest. ]

I love you too, Orym. Truly, you make me happier than I have ever been.

[ And yet it was hard for his mind to settle, to simply take this and enjoy it. Because there’s always that traitorous part of his mind that obsesses over the ’what if’s. It’s one of his biggest problems, how he gets stuck in his own head overthinking and worrying about things.

And how he can’t get himself to stop. ]

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[Orym offers a smile in return.

The halfling will do whatever he can to shake that doubt and what ifs from Dorian's head, even if it takes him the rest of their lives. He's persistent and dedicated, after all. And there is nothing he could be more dedicated to than this, the better half of his soul.]

That's all I want.

[He shifts even closer, grazes his lips against Dorian's softly.]

[makingmyway]

[ With a small smile himself, he returns the kiss and holds it for a moment, enjoying just the feel and taste of him.

Then, a bit reluctantly, he pulls back a bit, and he seems to be debating something in his head before he finally meets Orym’s eyes. ]

It’s not…It’s not a new feeling, to be honest. I mean, it’s not just about this, it’s not just now. [ He pauses, a little frustrated that he isn’t explaining this right. ] Part…Part of the reason I never said anything about feeling this bond is because…because I didn’t like who I was, not entirely. And when I realized this connection, I wanted to be someone who would…deserve someone like you.

[ It’s not easy talking about this, and he clearly seems uncomfortable. But they hadn’t spoken much about this before, and they both had suffered a lot already for leaving things unspoken. ]

It wasn’t until after getting to know you, spending time with you and the rest of the Crown Keepers, that I felt like I was finally becoming someone that I could be proud of. But when I thought about finally telling you…you brought Fearne and me to Zephrah, and told us about Will.

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

Oh love...

[Orym's heart breaks at this, hearing it said out loud. He brushes the back of his knuckles against Dorian's cheek.]

You are amazing, have always been amazing since I met you. [There's a light in Dorian that has drawn him in since the beginning.] I'm glad that you can be proud of who you are now. You should be.

[But right yes, then. That was when he'd told them about his past. Dorian was already feeling the pull to their bond then. He can't imagine what it would be like to hear that the person he thought he was bonded to had already had a bond.]

And you thought I'd already been bonded, that it couldn't be...

[Oh it hurts to hear Dorian felt that way, hurts even more because...] I thought that too. I didn't recognize the bond because I couldn't. I was already broken. Even if it was a new bond, was it really fair to expect you to want someone broken like that.

[makingmyway]

[ Dorian leans into that touch, breathing a shaky laugh from his lips. ] It never felt that way, growing up. My parents had a lot of expectations, and I could never seem to meet them. I always thought there was something wrong with me, but maybe it was just because I was always trying to be someone I’m not.

[ Taking Orym’s hand, he draws it away from his cheek to press a kiss to it instead. ] I’ve leaned a lot about the world and myself since leaving home…and getting to meet you and all our friends, I’m finally figuring things out. And part of that is thanks to you.

[ Then he leans in, gently capturing Orym’s lips with his own. ] And you were never broken. Not to me. I hated that you lost someone you love so much, someone you were bonded to, and the pain that caused you…but the fact that you were still able to keep living despite that…it’s amazing to me. You are the strongest person I know, and I am lucky to be with you.

After you told us about Will, the reason I didn’t say anything wasn’t because I thought you were broken. It’s because you asked us to help you find more information about the people who killed him. And it didn’t…it felt like it would violate your trust in me to help you with that, if I said anything. And your trust is so important to me, I didn’t want to do anything to ruin that.

[ Even if it meant suffering an unrealized bond in silence. ]

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

I don't know what it's like growing up like that, but it sounds suffocating. I'm glad you got the chance to find out who you are. Selfishly, I'm glad I got the chance to find out who you are.

[He watches as Dorian's lips press to his hand, and his heart squeezes in his chest for a much less painful reason, just achingly fond.

And there's Dorian, who is a little too kind, a little too willing to put aside the things he wants for the sake of other people. Orym's seen him do it again and again.]

Dorian... [He can understand that, but still.] I was worried I'd lose you entirely if I said anything. And even if I knew I could never really have you, at least I'd have you in my life as a friend. At least I could still be near you.

[makingmyway]

[ He chuckles faintly. ] I am too. Even with the parts of my home that I miss, I ever don't regret leaving, because it brought me to you.

[ Dorian knows he can be just as selfish as he is selfless. He’s made selfish choices time and again. But it’s always Orym that he wants to do better, be better for. Because for all that he gives, Orym always gives even more of himself to others. So if anyone deserves to get some of that kindness in return, it’s undoubtedly him. ]

It was the same for me. I was willing to have you however I could. [ With a smile, he tilts his head up for a quick kiss. ] But I am really glad it gets to be this way.

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[Orym wonders if Dorian knows how those words sink into his heart and set it to melting entirely. As if he weren't already completely, madly in love with this man. But he can apparently fall even more.

Because it brought me to you.

Someday he'll try to explain how Dorian saved his life, how close he had been to finally giving up, convinced the world had finally run out of light for him. It'd only been his own stubbornness and a lingering desperate hope that maybe he could do some good, even with his broken, colorless life.

He lets his lips brush against the other man's, then again.]

I'm so glad it gets to be this way. It's the best thing that has ever happened to me. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

[He will always love Will, will never forget him, will always miss what they had, what could have been. But he's not who he was back then. And Dorian, well, Dorian saved him from himself, helped him find a way to emerge from that despair. Dorian has become a new and brighter sun in his world, and Orym wants nothing more than to stay in his orbit and his light.]

[makingmyway]

[ Dorian’s heart flutters, sending a light flush to his cheeks. It’s still strange to imagine that he could ever have done as much for someone like Orym, as Orym has done for him. But he can’t deny that it sends a warmth in him, if it’s really true.

Because Orym has done so much for him. He’s learned so much about the world, about life and love, about himself, just from being with and around Orym. And he wouldn’t be half the man he is today without him. It’s why he’s willing to follow him anywhere, to trust his judgement and follow his guidance, because he knows that Orym will never steer him wrong. ]

I feel the same. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to thank you enough.

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[That blush in Dorian's cheeks is enchanting, and Orm lifts a hand to brush his fingertips along one reddened cheeks. Sometimes he looks at the bard and is struck by just how pretty he is. It takes his breath away, and now is one of those times.]

You don't have to thank me. This is enough. Being with me, letting me love you. That's more than I could ever need.

[It's a bit sentimental, but it's true. It will always be true.]

[makingmyway]

[ His eyes flutter closed as he leans into that touch, and he breathes out a soft sound. ]

There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than right here with you. As long as I get to love you in return, nothing would make me happier.

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[Orym lets his touch linger, smiling quietly to himself. There's still that lingering guilt for what he said, for being the source of any doubt that Dorian feels. But it's soothed at least a little by the things they've both said.]

Good. I want you to be happy. [He shifts closer to lean into him, to tuck himself up against Dorian's chest.]

[makingmyway]

[ Dorian smiles as well, wrapping his arms around Orym and holding him close, resting his cheek atop his head. He still can’t help questioning his worth at times, plagued by his own self-doubts, but it’s something he can work on.

Especially with Orym helping him believe in himself. ]

As long as I’m with you, I am.

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[Like this he can hear Dorian's heartbeat, can feel the rise and fall of his chest with each breath. He can't remember anything being more comfortable than this, when those arms come around him.]

When you hold me, it feels like I'm home.

[He wonders if Dorian understands how much that means to him.]

[makingmyway]

[ His smile warms, even though Orym can’t see it, and he places a gentle kiss on top of his head. ]

I’m glad I can give that to you. Because you’re home for me too.

[ He might not quite know what it means for Orym. But for him, being with Orym makes him feel more safe and comfortable, more wanted and loved than he’d ever felt anywhere or with anyone, even with his own family in the Silken Squall.

No matter where they are, being with Orym feels like where he belongs. ]