shattered - for makingmyway

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[Orym can barely think straight. His mind is an utter mess, caught somewhere between rage and guilt and relief and then more guilt for that feeling. They've lost so much already in all of this, in chasing Predathos' threats. Fuck, he'd lost so much before he even knew what Predathos was.

That moment when they'd discovered sending spells were working once again, and he'd immediately tried to reach Dorian only to be met with silence, it had torn at something in him. The fear of what could have happened, of why the genasi wouldn't have answered him. He knew Dorian would have if he'd been able, so something must be wrong. Something had to be wrong. And it was. Gods he should have known better. He should have known better and done something, to keep the other man better protected.

But he couldn't protect him. He couldn't protect any of them. The latest loss was fresh and bitter and raw, and the halfling was ready to come apart from how completely he had failed. What was the point of him, what was the good of him, if he couldn't even keep the people he loved safe?

His come apart had to be postponed when they learned that Dorian had been captured though, because there was nothing else he could think about except the fact that they had to save the bard. He was already a shattered thing, and Orym didn't think he'd survive losing Dorian too. The genasi had been the only bright point left in his univeirse in many ways, and if he lost him without ever even telling him how much he meant to him. Well.

No, he couldn't live with himself.

He couldn't live.

The rescue had been, well, a bit desperate. The halfling had fought without hesitation or thought, a frenzy that left him blood-stained and only half aware of what he was even doing. But they'd gotten Dorian back. Alive.

He's been repeating that to himself over and over in his mind, and only that. Dorian is alive. Dorian is here.

They've retreated from Ruidus, taken shelter somewhere that, for the moment at least, seems safe. Everyone is their own brand of mess, and they're all barely hanging on. But they are hanging on.

Orym has been left with Dorian, to keep watch over the bard. The halfling hasn't spoken since the battle, and blood still stains his face and hands and clothes, and he doesn't seem to notice.]

Comments

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

Me?

[He looks down at himself briefly, brow furrowing. He's bruised and at least some of the blood on him is probably his own. But the pain is almost comforting, dull and distant as it is. Orym shakes his head.]

I'm fine. Most of the blood isn't mine. I...

[He takes a breath, really taking Dorian in. Still here. Still alive.]

I'm fine.

[He'd never been a liar before. This is new.]

[makingmyway]

[ Dorian - who is used to saying he’s fine when he wasn’t, desperately trying to pretend otherwise - can’t help the concerned frown as he looks at Orym. ]

Orym, please.

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[Orym isn't sure what Dorian is asking, but he knows he doesn't like the frown on that handsome face. He thinks he remembers them being happy before, a lifetime ago. Maybe that was a dream, except, he doesn't really dream anymore. He doesn't sleep nearly enough for dreams.]

I'm fine.

[He repeats, but it's barely a whisper this time, small and lost and broken. There are tears falling from his eyes, silently flowing, and the halfling seems entirely unaware of them.]

[makingmyway]

[ Dorian sucks in a breath, his eyes widening at the sight of those tears. It twists something in his chest, and he desperately wants to do something, anything to ease the grief and sadness from his friend’s shoulders.

So he wraps his arms around Orym, pulling him to his chest and holding him close. ]

I have you, Orym. I’m right here. And it’s okay…to not be okay.

I have you.

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[For the briefest moment, Orym stiffens, but in the next breath he's almost collapsing straight into Dorian's arms, face pressed to the bard's chest. His entire body seems to be shaking as the sobs work their way from him. He has never felt so small in his life, so insufficient.]

I thought I'd lost you too.

[I he says. Maybe that should have been 'we' but no, this one is too close for him, too personal.]

[makingmyway]

[ Dorian releases a shaky breath, feeling the other’s pain in each shudder and sob. He presses his face to Orym’s hair, holding the small figure tight to his chest, as if his arms could be enough to keep him from completely falling apart. ]

I’m sorry…I wish I could have done better, so you wouldn’t have had to worry.

But I’m here now. You saved me, and I’m all right.

[ He notes how personal it seems, what Orym says. But it seems a selfish thing to hope for right now, in the midst of those tears. ]

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[Dorian is the only thing holding Orym together, really, and those arms feel like a sanctuary that the halfling knows he doesn't deserve. But he's too weak to give it up and moves to wrap his arms around Dorian in turn.]

Don't leave. Please don't leave me.

[It's selfish, and he hates himself for asking it. He should want Dorian to go somewhere safe -- but where in the hells would that even be now?]

I need you.

[makingmyway]

[ Dorian shakes his head, gently shushing Orym. ]

I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying with you, and nothing will take me from you this time.

[ A bold promise, he knows. But he will absolutely fight any person, god, Predathos, what have you to stay by Orym’s side.

He gently rubs Orym’s back in what he hopes is a soothing gesture, and despite what the halfling had said before he still hums a gentle melody, sending a cool wash of healing magic over him. ]

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[Orym wants to believe it, wants desperately to believe it's true, that those are the sorts of promises that someone can make. His face is still pressed to Dorian's chest, and he's likely making a teary, bloody mess of him. He'll have to apologize later.

The halfling feels the gentle rush of magic over him, feels the easing of pain, the closing of wounds, and he slowly lifts his head to look up at the other man.]

I'm sorry. This... you don't need this. you're the one who was captured and held prisoner. I should be the one fussing over you.

[makingmyway]

[ Glancing down at Orym, he manages a small smile. ]

I told you, I’m all right. And you’ve been through so much.

[ It had certainly been a stressful time, but he can deal with his problems on his own later. Right now, Orym is more important.

Hesitating for just a moment, he then leans down and presses a kiss to Orym’s forehead, just as he’d done the night they had said goodbye. ]

Let me be the one to look after you for a change.

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[Orym's eyes fall shut as those lips find his forehead, and he allows himself to accept that comfort, to linger in this moment where Dorian is here and safe, where they are both alive and together again.

Without thinking -- gods without even an ounce of input from his brain and driven entirely by his battered, trembling heart -- he lifts his chin, shifting up until his lips graze against Dorian's in a way that he should remember he is not allowed, and has only ever done in his wildest dreams.]

[makingmyway]

[ Dorian’s eyes widen, and he can’t help a sharp intake of breath when he feels those lips brush against his own. Without thinking he jerks back in shock, his cheeks already flushed from the simple gesture.

Because there’s just…no way it could mean what he thinks it means, what he hopes it means…could it? ]

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[Dorian jerking back seems to shake the halfling from himself, and his eyes snap open wide in immediate, horrified realization. He claps a hand over his mouth and shifts back quickly.]

Sorry, I'm sorry... I didn't... I wasn't thinking. I...

[He'd overstepped himself here, took something that wasn't his to take, as much as he wishes that it could be.]

[makingmyway]

[ Dorian stiffens, realizing his mistake too late. ]

N-No…! No, Orym, that wasn’t…I mean I-I didn’t…

[ Oh fuck, fuck, he is messing this up. If he doesn’t figure out a way to fix this, Orym is going to get the wrong idea.

And if there’s even just a small chance that Orym could actually feel the same way about him…he can’t just let it slip away. Not this time.

So he takes Orym’s hand in one hand, drawing it away from his lips, his other hand cupping Orym’s chin to tilt his head up. Swallowing nervously, he leans forward, brushing his lips over Orym’s before he loses his nerve.

And he can only hope that he isn’t wrong. ]

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[Orym can feel his thoughts spiraling, about how badly this could mess things up between them, about how stupid he could have been. Dorian is so important to him, what if he's ruined what they have?

He stills when those fingers find his hand though, not resisting as Dorian draws his hand away from his mouth, letting his chin be lifted, watching the other man with wide green eyes that can't decide between confused and hopeful.

Then Dorian's lips are on his, and it's Orym's turn to gasp quietly, but he only leans into it, chasing those lips to kiss him back.]

[makingmyway]

[ His heart races in his chest, sending blood rushing between his ears as Orym actually kisses him back. This is actually happening.

Closing his eyes, he wraps one arm around Orym’s shoulders, the other around his waist to pull him close again to deepen the kiss. He’s dreamed of this for so long, and now he doesn’t want to let the other man go. ]

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[There is nothing in the halfling that wants to do anything other than sink into those arms, to let himself be pulled close. So he does, one hand lifting to set against Dorian's cheek, to hold tenderly as his other arm loops around his neck.

This is actually happening.

He isn't thinking anymore, is just acting, just feeling, lips parting to welcome the kiss deeper, not wanting it to end, not wanting it to be over.]

[makingmyway]

[ A soft sound rises up from his throat, muffled between their lips, at the warm feeling of Orym in his arms, the taste of his lips, the unique scent of him. It’s dizzying and thrilling and he’s greedy for more of it all.

His arms tightening his hold just a bit - protective, possessive, desperate all at once - he runs his tongue across those lips before slipping past them, a soft groan at being able to taste more, at being able to do this at all.

That for this moment, they can pretend that it’s just the two of them like this, and not have to worry about everything else right now. ]

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[His heart is hammering away in his chest, hard and fast, as if it is intent on breaking free of his ribcage and flying free. And it might be able to given how light it feels, after the heavy and somehow simultaneously hollow way it had been struggling through each beat for so long now.

He hears himself whimper, quiet and overwhelmed at how perfect Dorian feels, how intoxicating the other man tastes.

Eventually he breaks away, though not far, gods not far, just far enough to speak, lips still brushing Dorian's as he forms the words.]

I should have told you before, I should have told you so many times... how much you mean to me, how hopelessly in love with you I am.

[makingmyway]

[ Oh, does Dorian want to devour that noise, wants to know how else Orym would sound, how he’d react to more.

And he feels a lightness in his chest that he hasn’t for so long…not since having to say goodbye to Orym in what feels like so long ago.

He releases a shaky breath when Orym draws back, chasing those lips a bit that he can taste the words when he speaks.

And oh, how wonderful those words are. ]

Oh, Orym…I’ve wanted to tell you for so long. I’ve been so deeply in love with you, been so crazy about you. But I was afraid…after everything you’d lost, I didn’t think…

[ He didn’t think he could be good enough to make up for the love Orym had lost. The love he deserved to have. ]

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[Despite the fact that Dorian clearly has been kissing him back, Orym is still surprised to hear the words returned. His heart goes and trips over itself, a tumble and fall that he thinks it might be falling for the rest of his life, this weightless, relieved, fluttery feeling.

Everything is terrible. Everyone he cares about is in danger. But the man he loves -- when for so long he hadn't even thought he was still capable of love like that -- is alive and here and in his arms and somehow loves him too. And gods isn't that something to hold on to, something to remind him why this world is worth fighting for?

He's torn between laughing and crying and instead just murmurs a soft,] Dorian... [Before claiming those lips with his own again, as if he can make up for all the lost time they could have been kissing right here and right now.]

[makingmyway]

[ The warmth of love and affection he’s been holding back for Orym all this time swells within him, sending something giddy through him. He’d never thought it was possible that Orym could love him back, and during his imprisonment the one thing he feared most was the thought of never seeing Orym again, never being able to tell him how he felt.

But yet despite everything - despite the hardships they faced, everything they’d lost - they are here together, and they had this chance to be together now.

And he isn’t going to give that up for anything in the world.

When Orym kisses him again, he tilts his head to properly seal their lips together, holding the halfling close to deepen it, doing his best to pour all his love, everything he hadn’t been able to say, into the kiss. ]

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[Orym melts against him, so that there's no space left between them, as if he tries hard enough he can sink straight into Dorian entirely. The taste of those lips is beyond intoxicating, and for the first time in so long Orym's mind is quiet, left with thoughts of the bard and nothing else. Of being loved and wanted and held and for this moment, alive and safe.

Fingers find their way into Dorian's hair, tangling through soft strands, eager to touch, to hold, even as he let his tongue trace along the other man's lips, a silent plea for more.]

[makingmyway]

[ Dorian is more than happy to hold Orym as close as physically possible, and yet it still doesn’t feel like enough. Now that he’s had a taste of him, knows what it’s like to hold him in his arms, it will never feel like enough.

But he’s more than willing to spend the rest of his life trying to get his fill of Orym.

He shivers, the combination of those fingers in his hair and the tongue running against his lips sending a thrilling sensation throughout his entire body. He moans softly against Orym’s lips, his own parting in an eager invitation for the halfling to take whatever he wants.

Everything he has, everything he is…All of him has belonged to Orym all this time anyway. ]

[bigmoonlittlemoon]

[It is in no way close enough. It may never be close enough, but they can spend the rest of their days trying, right? He can imagine no place else he'd rather spend his time than in these arms. Right here with this beautiful, wonderful man.

Orym is aware of that shiver in Dorian, is aware of the own trembling that's started in him and doesn't seem to want to stop as he lets his tongue slip past parted lips. He rises up to chase the kiss deeper, that lingering desperation at how he had been so sure he'd lost Dorian too.]